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Optimum Nutrition Product Reviews

2010-10-04T12:48:00.001-07:00

First Lady Michelle Obama is reportedly wrestling with at least 100 House Democrats who would rather not pass a re-authorization of the nation's school meals program if it means taking money from food stamp recipients.

The Senate approved the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act, which would increase spending on child nutrition programs by $4.5 billion -- including a 6-cent-per-meal boost to the rate the federal government reimburses school lunch -- but said the only way to fund it without adding to the deficit was to remove $2.2 billion from the food stamp (now known as SNAP) program. Re-authorization of the Child Nutrition Act must now be approved by the House before authorization for the legislation currently in place expires.

The Senate's funding method is a bit like picking the pocket of one panhandler to put it in the hand of another. Yet the mainstream media has hailed these measly 6 cents as the first increase in the subsidized lunch reimbursement rate in three decades -- a false notion.

Apparently, no one in the press has actually bothered to read the rules governing the school meals program. If they had, they'd know that the disputed 6 cents are barely more than what the National School Lunch Program receives automatically each year by way of cost of living increases. This year, in fact, the reimbursement rate has already gone up 4 cents -- from $2.68 per lunch to $2.72 -- thanks to an adjustment in the Consumer Price Index.

Granted, school kitchens are broke and have been for a long time. According to the School Nutrition Association, schools that rely on the federal reimbursements to pay their expenses lose 35 cents on average with every lunch they serve, which helps explain why they feed kids sweetener-stuffed snacks instead of real food in order to comply with the USDA's calorie requirements.

The 6 cent increase would be laughable if it weren't so tragic. But more important in this stalled legislation is a provision that would, for the first time, give the USDA authority to regulate all foods sold in schools, possibly meaning an end -- finally -- to so-called "competitive foods," such as sugary drinks and candy in school vending machines and ice cream bars and fruit rollups in the deli line. That would go a long way toward addressing the obesity epidemic that Michelle Obama has pledged to end.

So I say, Keep your 6 cents. Let the nation's lunch ladies do what they've been doing for years that Congress can't -- live with what they've got. Congress can then continue doing what it does best -- spending money we don't have on wars we don't need. Somehow, the kids will survive.

Exactly what America needs: Pie chart plates that remind you of portion sizes and food groups depending on your nutritional needs. Design is by HAF, and the plates will be produced in Iceland. (Via.)">

Learn more about the designers at Daque Design.

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Optimum Nutrition Reviews

2010-09-30T18:51:00.001-07:00

Losing weight is hard enough, but having to dent you finances to do so makes it harder, at least more stressful. When you see celebrities, models, or the people on the Biggest Loser working out you see state of the art equipment and trainers. Some of us don't have the money (or time) to hit the gym or hire personal trainers. Even changing your diet, which is generally eating less, can cost more! So keep these ideas in mind when you are looking for a cheap way to drop pounds and tone up.

1-Walking, Jogging, Running. - Probably the first obvious answer. This I the most basic core exercise you can do and can do anywhere. Outside or inside (mall, Walmart). When preparing for the military I had no stamina. I just started slow and alternated walking and running.

2 - Calisthenics - Basic exercises that have been working forever. Try Push-ups, Sit-ups, Crunches, Dips, Jumping Jacks, Squats, Pull-ups, Lunges. There are many variations for all of these exercises, look them up.

3 - Dance, Dance, Dance - Turn on some music and dance.

4- Swim - If you are near a pool or beach try swimming, or just paddling around in the water by yourself, with friends, or your kids. Some community centers have cheap pools and even classes.

5- Cheap Tools - You can buy cheap jump ropes, resistance bands, weight bands, and sometimes dumbbells anywhere. Also look for Craigslist, where I got a bar and a bunch of weights for 20 bucks. Look for used sporting good places. Don't forget thrift stores, I actually found a new weight bench for 10 bucks. Even if its chipped, dirty, or rusty most benches and weights are still just as useful. Look around your house for anything grip able that has weight.

6- The internet - There are numerous websites with free workouts. In fact look no further than YouTube.

7 - Cable - Depending on you carrier or plan most cable companies have on demand features that usually contain workouts.

8- Used books and videos. - Look at websites like Amazon and EBay. Also look for used books stores in your area or even the thrift store.

9- Just move - recently I have tried to add little changes to how I play with my daughter or how I do my chores to add a little extra work in what I do.

You don't need a lot to at least lose a little. Also don't doubt what you can find from thrifting!

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Yankees What Happened To Our Don?

2010-09-17T18:59:00.001-07:00

Jacob de Golish/Getty Images

As most Dodgers fans expected, Joe Torre is stepping down as manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers and hitting coach Don Mattingly will be replacing him.

I don’t know how well Mattingly will do as a manager because he has never managed at any level, but I don’t think it will really matter who the Dodgers' manager is.

Until the chaos of the divorce case between Frank McCourt and his wife, former Dodgers executive Jamie McCourt is resolved, the Dodgers will not be able to improve their lineup.

In today's world, you can build a good nucleus of a team with home grown talent, but if you expect to win a World Series, you have to be able to compete in the free agent market. The Dodgers will not be able to do that until they get new ownership.

For the most part, you can't buy a World Series by simply acquiring the best free agents on the market. But you do have to be able to pull the trigger if someone valuable to your team becomes available.

The Dodgers need at least two reliable starting pitchers and a good closer. They are also in need of some hitters who can get the big hit with men on base, in addition to someone who can hit the long ball on a regular basis.

There are also rumors that Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp and some of the other Dodgers want to play elsewhere. Can you blame them?

With the whole divorce situation between the McCourts, the Dodgers are fast becoming the Oakland Raiders of Major League Baseball.

Sports Illustrated's Jon Heyman examined three of the winter's open managerial posts (the Cubs, Mariners, and the potentially open Dodgers job) and passed along some info on who might be in the dugouts for those clubs come Opening Day 2011...

Chicago. Cubs legend Ryne Sandberg "has been seen by everyone as the most logical choice." Heyman cites Joe Girardi as the second-most likely option to manage the Cubs in 2011, though he expects Girardi to remain in New York. Interim manager Mike Quade is "something of a longshot" and Heyman mentions Bobby Valentine's name due to Valentine's track record of working with young talent. Heyman's fourth-most likely Cubs manager is Tony La Russa, and while that hiring might equally horrify both Cubs and Cardinals fans, Heyman only opines that La Russa would "be an interesting choice," not one that's a distinct possibility.

Los Angeles. "According to some in the know," Tim Wallach will be the next L.A. manager. Wallach is a former Dodgers hitting coach and has managed their Triple-A squad for the past two seasons. Los Angeles would save some money by hiring Wallach, though Heyman writes that the franchise has (and will) cut enough payroll to make signing a big-name manager feasible if the team wants to go that route. The intended Joe Torre/Don Mattingly succession may be no more given how that plan was the one favored by Jamie McCourt, not current sole owner Frank McCourt. Heyman ranks Mattingly third on his list of likely Dodger managers behind both Wallach and Dusty Baker, as "there are unsubstantiated whispers" that L.A. will make a play for Baker if he doesn't re-sign with Cincinnati. Of course, this could all be moot if Torre decides to return for another season, though Heyman feels Torre is probably done in Los Angeles.

Seattle. Valentine appears again on the list of Mariners candidates, sandwiched between Heyman top choice Ted Simmons and No. 3 choice Willie Randolph. Simmons, the San Diego bench coach, has never been a manager, though he has a lengthy front office resume. Both Simmons and Randolph have worked with Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik before, and Randolph is also helped by the fact that Zduriencik told Heyman that "big league managerial experience will weigh heavily" in his decision. That said, Zduriencik also noted that he's just starting to explore a list of around 20 candidates.

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School: Back to school shopping ripoffs?

2010-08-24T22:10:00.001-07:00

If your money is tight because of high gas prices and food costs, you'll need to save money when purchasing clothes to go back to school. This article will show you how to choose your back to school wardrobe on a budget. Here are ten ways to save money on back to school clothes.

1. Choose comfortable clothes. How will this save money? Because you won't end up having to make a trip back to the store to return half of your clothing items when you realize your pants are too tight to move in. You also won't have to buy more clothes in two months when you decide you can't stand your shoes hurting every time you walk. To make sure shoes are comfortable, walk around the store for a few minutes. If you slip and slide, or if your feet feel crammed, choose another style or size. For comfortable clothes, test them by sitting, walking, and bending. You want to make sure you will be comfortable sitting for hours at a time in the outfit.

2. Make sure your clothes fit perfectly. I have done this many times where I buy an item thinking I'll take it somewhere to get the pants hemmed or take in the waist. Chances are, you'll never get around to doing it. Even if it's the coolest jacket you've ever seen in your life, if it doesn't fit, don't make the purchase. The item will sit in your closet and rot. Then, you'll have to buy another item later to replace it.

3. Don't purchase something extravagant. We all get the urge to buy that hot pink leather mini skirt, thinking that we'll wear it one day just to astonish our friends. But, in reality, you're going to chicken out every time and not wear it. This then just wastes the money spent buying it, which certainly doesn't save you money on your back to school clothing costs.

4. Coordinate outfits. Come up with a few themes. You could choose the army green colors and buy some items in different shades of green that will all go together. Then, your second color scheme could be muted pastels, which give a fall feel. This would be colors like rose, gray-blue and gray-green. Choosing a set of items that have the same brightness makes them work together better. If you can mix and match items, you won't have to purchase as many items because you can come up with more outfits with less pieces of actual clothing. This will help you save money on your back to school clothing purchases.

5. Develop a plan of what you need. You need three pair of jeans, two skirts, four sweaters, and so on. Make the list, and buy only what is on it at the stores. This way, you won't end up buying ten pairs of jeans and ending up with no shirts. You'll then have to spend more money by making another trip to the mall to purchase the other back to school clothes you need.

6. Shop locally. Instead of driving to Washington, DC or that mall 100 miles away, get clothes in your own town. If you have a Marshall's store nearby, you can still get clothes that are like ones you would find in the fashion stores near large cities. This will help the back to school budget because you won't have to spend so much money on gas getting to the stores. And, if you have to return something, you won't have as far to go to take it back.

7. Use cash to make your purchases. If you use a credit card, you have a tendency to buy more. This is because you don't have to come up with the money upfront. Using a credit card is a sure way of going over your budget and not saving money on your back to school clothing purchases.

8. Try the "please hold this and I'll be back" idea. I often find that I will buy less if I have the stores hold my potential items, and then I go to lunch or dinner and think about it. I write down what I put on hold, and sit and think about it over dinner. Do I really need this pair of jeans? What will this shirt go with? Can I afford all of these items? Do I like this jacket enough to wear it at least once a week? If you give yourself a chance to think, you may realize that you don't want all of the items. You also won't make as many impulse purchases. This will help you keep your back to school clothing budget in line.

9. Come up with a set amount you can spend and don't go over it. If you can afford only $300, spend only $300. No matter what, don't go over this amount. If you find something you want after you've spent the money, take something back first and then purchase the item.

10. Take advantage of any savings and coupons that you can. Often, there will be coupons in the newspaper or in the mail for the stores you love. If you sign up online at a store's website, you can get valuable coupons sent to your email address. You'll also be notified of sales. Whenever you visit a store, ask if there are any specials that day. If so, ask if they have any extra coupons you can use so you can take advantage of the special. Sometimes, the cashier will have extra coupons sitting at the register for customers to use, but they won't tell you if you don't ask.

These ideas should help you when you choose your back to school wardrobe on a budget. You should be able to save money on your back to school clothing purchases!

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Buy what you need for the first day of school but don’t buy too much for the rest of the year. Some items, such as pencils and pens, might be useful to stock up on if there is a great sale. But since many stores overstock on items, you may actually be able to find some bargains by scanning for sales after the back to school rush is over.

Did you know

2010-08-14T13:41:00.001-07:00

I Love The Summer Season

2010-07-08T21:39:00.001-07:00

Let's face it, summer television sucks. For a long time this was the season when people at the networks just bombarded everyone with reruns of everything. It was, in some respects, a good way to catch up on shows you maybe didn't get a chance to watch during the regular season. For the most part, summer television still sucks. These days the networks dump reality show after reality show in the summer season. For the most part, reality shows suck, so it stands to reason that summer television sucks.

However, there are a few gems out there. The surprising thing is that some of these shows are reality shows are reality shows. If you take a look at my other content, you will know I am an avowed hater of all things reality show. I despise "American Idol" more than I think it is humanly possible to hate a television show. However, in the summer there are some unique reality shows that manage to be entertaining.

"Hell's Kitchen" has slowly become one of the few reality shows I can still watch. But wait, you say, didn't you write, not long ago, about how cruel Simon Cowell is and how he mistreats people? Isn't Gordon Ramsay, the curse-word-spewing head chef of this show even worse? The answer to both of those questions is yes. Yet, for some reason, I like Gordon and hate Simon.

I think it has to do with the nature of the shows. You see, if someone cannot sing, they can go take lessons and try to get better. If they have talent writing songs they can become a songwriter. The world does not need another pop music star to clutter up the airwaves with mediocre love songs. However, everyone in the world still needs to eat. If the chef doing the preparing of that food doesn't do it to amazingly high standards, not only is it a waste of money, it can be downright dangerous. If you are like me and have food allergies galore, you would appreciate a maniacal head chef covering your back and ensuring the food going out is up to his or her high standards. Therefore, I find myself willing to give Gordon a pass when it comes to being mean. Someone needs to tell Simon that it's just pop music.

"Last Comic Standing" is a show that did nothing for me the first two seasons it was on. For some reason this season the show has really grown on me. Maybe it just has to do with the three judges this season. I have been a big fan of Kathleen Madigan for a long time and seeing her as a judge this year really helps me like the show that much more. Yes, the same cringe-inducing first shows make me want to change the channels when one bad comedian after another comes on stage. However, once you get past it, some of those people really are very, very funny. Often, even the ones who don't move on to the next round have me laughing. I really liked the guy who talked about how oil in the ocean isn't a bad thing because that's what we cook fish in anyway. He suggested what was really needed was a lemon wedge spill. He didn't move on to the next round, but I would pay to see him perform here in Chicago.

"Kyle XY" is a show that has been banished to a relatively obscure cable network. Namely, it plays every Monday night on ABC Family. Now, who the hell watches ABC Family? Yeah, I thought so. I ignored this show until I got the entire first season on DVD and had to watch it in order to review it. It ended up completely hooking me. It is the story of a young man who wakes up in the forest with no clothes, memories or understanding of the world and yet has amazing mental and physical abilities. It manages to be intriguing, exciting, sweet, funny and intense and balance all of them quite well. The second season has just started and I strongly suggest you check it out.

"Mythbusters" is just a great show on the Discovery Channel. If you haven't watched this show, now is your chance. I promise you will not be disappointed. You have Adam, Jamie, Toryt, Grant and the hottest smart woman on television, Kari Byron testing myths of all kinds every week. My god is this show great. There is nothing better than watching these guys blow stuff up. I still think the greatest show they have ever done was when they ended up completely destroying and blowing up a cement truck in a quarry. It was just the coolest thing ever without anyone actually getting hurt which just adds to the coolness. It must be a blast just to hang out with these guys. In the summer they start showing new shows, but they also rerun the older ones.

"Deadliest Catch" is a show that teaches you that the deadliest job on the planet may be catching crab off of the Alaskan coast in the Bering Sea. Every year this show follows the crab fishermen as they head out into horrific conditions. High seas hit them every year followed by snow and ice. When you realize they are risking life and limb just so you can walk into a restaurant and order crab, it's even more amazing. It seems mundane, but trust me, you end up caring about these people. Every year Sig Hansen and his brothers have been on this show and every year I tune in and find myself glad they're back for another year. Seriously, people do die and you sometimes get to see it on this show.

"Man vs. Wild" and "Survivorman" are almost the same show, but both are fantastic. In fact, I am not even sure if, during the summer, they have new "Survivorman" shows, but I know they keep showing older ones. In both a man ends up in the most inhospitable climates and areas and try to survive. Watching a man named "Bear" on "Man vs. Wild" squeeze water out of fresh elephant dung into his mouth is a sight I am not likely to ever forget. At the same time watching the guy on "Survivorman" cut the stinger off of a scorpion in order to eat it is another sight I am not likely to forget anytime soon.

There are other shows out there and I know that some swear by them. However, I have never been enough of a fan of Kyra Sedgwick to watch "The Closer" and I have tried watching "Rescue Me" but it just never quite grabbed me. Still, those are out there and enough people seem to think they're great and you may want to check them out.

As for me, I will continue to root for Chef Ramsay, while worrying about a bunch of crab fishermen and waiting for the Mythbusters to blow something else up. Lord knows there won't be any baseball to get in the way of my TV-watching this season here in Chicago. However, if you like baseball, there is that to watch during the summer too.

Finally, if nothing here appeals to you, then dammit, get outside. It's summer after all!

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2010-07-04T12:37:00.001-07:00

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I Cant Wait For Summer

2010-07-04T12:28:00.001-07:00

......crackerjacks, cowboy boots, I Pods, Harley Davidson, soft shoulder, large capacity dryer, black out, swim suit, sky diving, Pez dispenser, Howdy Doody, milk bar, Clara Bell, rich creamy flavor, a stitch in time saves nine, water parks, animal crackers, laser beams, Jeopardy, survival kit, The Price is Right, more then you can chew, lime light, power window, curtain calls, agent, A Star is Born, , over bearing, break a leg, last call, egomaniac, applause, farts, Oh well..you know what they say, critics, water balloons, happy face, happy trails, happy ending, they lived happily ever after...

May I have a word with you ? Sure I'm making up lots of them, what ? I don't understand. Is it the worlds longest sentence ever ? Artists make little sense to me. Seemed like ..jibberish. It's all mish-mashed about, No rhythm. Where you rapping ? No. But sup-pose the Marx brothers and Bob Dylan were both doing acid and had a head on collision and words tumbled out. Would that help ? Still makes no sense. Ok, so you didn't catch a spark. What do you mean by spark ? Wasn't there a word or phrase that gave you a feeling, a memory, maybe an emotion ? Not really. Alright. Can I try something ? Sure . Will it hurt ? No. Close your eyes. Now visualize a lemon .Ok ? What do you see ? I see John Lennon. Maybe thats because he's standing over there. Try again, starting with a big yellowy ball with Sunkist written on it and give it a squeeze. Slice it and keep squeezing. Anything ? Yeah, my mouth went a little dry and my lips started to pucker. See, now you heard a word, saw an image and felt something . Thats the power the words have, like in books or movies... Your saying it was your intent to try to manipulate yourself or me ? No. I think its much simpler than that. I think its, see what you can hear for yourself and others might get it too.

I remember a first year college course, creative writing. Our first assignment was to write down everything we thought as fast as possible onto anything. Is that what you were doing ? Sorta. You must have used an entire roll of bathroom paper .Sometimes. Next was, bring it to class and read it aloud. Our Professor called this " shotgunning ". I recall one of the girls cried over the paper she had written for 20 minutes. All we got out of it was, teacher, nun, cancer, dead. The story she had written overwhelmed her emotions completely. We couldn't see it. She simply could not stop the tears. She cried and cried and cried. It was awkward. What did I do ? Sat and stared at the floor. Twiddled my thumbs, till I realize it looked like I might be praying for her. Crossed my arms and though, bloody saints. My eyes darted around and caught a couple of guys snickering under their breath. Then after a long silence, the Professor asked her to step to the hallway. Never saw her again. That reminded me of a line I saw as I started to read a book by Mark Twain. The first line begins " once upon a cry " instead of the traditional , "once upon a time ". Why do you think he did that ? I think because sadness is easier to remember than happier more joyous or melancholy times. Really. Yea. that was the first thing that came to mind. Her crying. Her shotgunning tears instead of words . What do you think happened to her ? I don't know. I guess while they were in the hall he told her to go home and rewrite her story. Could be she's still writing it because she can't get her story out of her head. Hmmm, and thats it ? I remember handing in a copied letter to Penthouse and getting an A for the semester. Hahaha. Yeah, that was funny. Any thing else happen ? You mean about School.

I liked that Professor. Sitting in the round like the gathering of clans, Knights of the Round Table. And walking around the big man on Campus, because I could beat everyone at table tennis. Then came the Korean kid. That guy could play deep really well. Not once ? Nope. My brother and I got a ping pong table for Christmas one year. We set it up on the front porch that had glass windows on 2 sides that were pretty close and a low ceiling , so games were tight and fast. Needless to say, we broke a couple of windows. A week or two would go by and we would play again for hours and hours. Sounded like fun. You and your brother close ? Nah. Not know. We saw each other once, twice a year. He might have dogged an in-law to drop by. Sometimes at a party. I'm the oldest by 3 years. Joe, who lived next door, he was a year older and smarter than me, decided we should throw him down a hill next to the house to keep him from tagging along. We didn't know it was covered with Poison Ivy. He had to go to a hospital because he got it internally too .Ooooo. Yeah, and a little later on his appendix burst. I don't know that that was our fault. He married a nurse, bought a house, near our grandparents old homestead and has two kids. Sounds nice. His youngest, if he liked you, would hug you then sink his teeth into where ever. Did that till he was nine. Odd. Yeah, not sure what tree that apple fell from. Could be pay back for the time I got drunk, was unable to find the light switch, and peed onto his stereo. Shorted the damn thing out completely. There you go. Right .

I say, you shouldn't beat yourself up over spilled milk. Seems there will always be someone around to beat you up for you. Which is nice of THEM. Who's THEM ? Anybody, everybody. People who want something, need something, expect something. Parents, teachers, friends, strangers, bosses, relatives, loved ones, and especially those that hate your guts . Give you an example. Sure. Lets start with my step daughter. Amy. Straight A student. Class clown. Aways helped others who couldn't get it, so a teacher did a put down job on her head. Next report card was all F's. What did you do ? Pulled her out of Public school and drove her to a private one without grades. Sweet. Sweet coming from an angel doesn't sound right. Sorry, just something I picked up from the teenagers that have been showing up lately.That and cool. Go on please.

Well those were tough times. The Reagan years. America was flexing its muscles, and that was a scary thought. The bank tried to foreclose on our mortgage four times. If a great aunt hadn't left us some War Bonds, sure they would have taken it. I'll thank her later. Wanna ask her what ever happened to all neat old clothes we used to dress up with, up in the dusty attic. Zoot suites and stuff. She was a flapper in her hay day.

Hard times. Every day, for three years, we carried water from the creek to the house. Seems when they built the house the septic went in next to the well . Not a good idea. I was sick a lot at first. Once it went dry. We called the fire company just down the street. They came with the tanker truck . A hole was in the middle of our deck for access to it, but the cap to the well was in the basement. Shall I continue ? No I get the picture. That poor cellar got flooded every spring. It was use to it by now. The new well came later with the money. In August. With the heat. When all the other water is on vacation. Best time to look for H2O. If you find it now, chances are its got a summer home. Our next door neighbor has water. He has three really deep wells and a cistern. He's got nine kids. He's got a good job. Doctor. The institutes head psychiatrist. He lectures late into the night to keep the water running. He calls me at 2am in the mourning, asking me to look out my back window. He sees a unicorn in my back yard, do I see it too? He thought they were only mythical. I said, hey damn if I don't. Our new found money came with, small white pony, an invisible electric fence, and some magical moon light .Every Christmas we would send him a tie. Sometimes nuts and bolts on it. Sometimes a unicorn with rainbows.

But grandpa Bo was the man. Not only did he have a million stories to tell, he could talk to the water witch. Water witch ? Yes. The water witch lives deep underground with all her fairies protecting the water. Within a foot Gramps could tell you right where they are pooling water. GO ON ! It's true. Partly because he was once one himself. And that they preferred to keep the water at the top of the hill. And that they were scared of high speed drills, so much that they wouldn't come back to their pools for weeks.And they preferred the old fashioned pounding drills. And that was because it made their pools bigger. And the sound it makes. Reminds them of big stakes being driven into the ground. The ones holding up the giant tents at the Circus. According to him they love the circus. Particularly the clowns that look like Clara Bell.Learn something new every day.

Shall we go back to the big list of words ? Are you done with the well story ? Almost, he walked into the woods. Found a cherry tree, because we didn't have a satellite dish yet. Muttered some mumbo jumbo about, Mother earth, the seeds of life, and the fruits we bear. Cut a Y shaped limb off it, then zigzagged back and forth across the back yard. The front being the water graveyard. Then sat down. At the picnic table. Under the pine tree . In the shade. With some ice tea. And said,"nope, nobody home . not even a blood stone ". A blood stone will disguise it's self as a water witch. I thought WTF. My heart was at my knees. So I grabbed the branch and zigzagged. My wife grabbed it and zigzagged. Mind you, it sounds fast, but in fact is done with tiny little baby steps. My brother zigzagged. I said damn. Gramps won't come back till my birthday next year. Then the sun went down and took the temperature with it. My little sister hadn't zigzagged yet. She gets the wood antenna , and says show me how. He does. Arms and elbows tight to your sides. wrists and hands 90 degrees. Palms up. Firm grip at the very ends of the branch. Point it straight ahead. I can't she says. Why not ? Why not is what we all said . It won't stay up. He went to her and assumed the same position. The end of that stick bent down like a fishing pole hooked to a 20 lb. trout. My grandfathers hands, which looked like miniature catchers mitts from years of reining teams of horses across the county , farm to farm with the only thrasher available which is now on display at the county fair, were never redder ! The bark was peeling off into his palms. We all tried it. We all agreed. The water fairies had been at our celebration of life the whole time. Under our very noses. On my birthday. Wahoo . So we marked the spot with a rock and crowned my sister Queen of the fairies. What a gift.

Sounds like a Disney flick. Don't it ? Too much. Is there much more ? A little. We had to tie the limbs of the pine tree up so the drilling rig could back up to the spot we marked. Sure enough, they hit water right away. But, the high speed drill melts the rock and seals the veins up. So you get a dry hole. I went looking for some town elders for advice. One said hydro fracture, but that would have popped my neighbors well casing right out of the ground. Not that I wouldn't have loved to seen that. That sounds a little mean. We shared a common drive way and they closed off the other half of theirs. Then would park in the middle of the shared part. You couldn't get around it and that pissed us off. Then they said, try dynamite. What ! Not a whole stick just a quarter of one. Attached to a long lead cord, and some lamp wire. But they don't sell it over the counter like they use to. I can still see the headlines tho. FIRST LIMBLESS MAN TO LAUNCH CASING INTO OUTER SPACE. Not the kind of legacy I wanted to leave behind. Pardon the pun. Finally one of my dads friends said, " use a shotgun on it ". That made sense. I had been going to the well every day with my coffee can with a rock in the bottom attached to kite string. Plopping it up and down in the well. Tying a knot at the top to measure the wells progress . Lets see. One to two ft. a day. A hundred feet deep. That's 365 days to go. I figured I figured pretty close, Yup. Was gonna be about a year before I saw any sign of a water witch out of this birthday present. I walked out to my fountain of youth. With my head at the hole, started screaming obscenities. Sounds stupidly serious. but I was frustrated. We had spent lot of hard earned cash to get it dug and now this. 150 gallons of air . My calculations were off. but weren't my dirty words dirty enough to sink to the bottom and split the seams. Were the water fairies that pissed off at us. I swear I even heard the well echo back " get bent " once.

Where is Hunter Thompson when you need him. Hell. Shotgun. He meant shotgun as in gun gun.. Cap a bullet in it. Blow some smoke down its butt. Get Olivia Newton John on it. Well damn. Thats easy enough. Not a moving target. I had already bagged rabbit, squirrel, bird, clay pigeon, target, raccoon, possum, snake, bat, and one of my sisters friends Nola in the hip. Not worry tho,she had a twin sister , Nancy. I never did see that Crossman BB gun again. Grampa Bo founded a Sports men's Club that sent me to conservation camp. So I had a license. The safety knowledge. A gun and a bullet. A reason, like maybe the well had Rabies. The Blessings of the town elders. Some science. along the lines, where ever there's an action, an equal and opposite re-action might occur. And most importantly , surprise attack. I can catch it off guard. And planned properly, maybe give the witch next door a heart attack, and her little dog Todo too. But when. When should I do the covert operation. There can't be any witnesses. Don't want the head lines in the World Weekly to read, " MAN SHOOTS WELL - CHINAMEN DIES ". The unicorn can't be around. The horse witnessed the slaying of a rabid raccoon and thought, " CRAP, I' m next ". Ran into the stall and hyperventilated till blood came out its nose. It took 2hrs of Lawrence Welk and a lot of soothing reassurances before those bubbles stopped. MAN. You said it. She had us in a panic. No, I mean the Lawrence Welk part. Oh. Yeah that was ruff on us too. Except for the blond with the big jugs that would bounce up and down when she played the piano real fast. That was boner material. That and Bobby's yellow socks. What ? Just wanted to see if you were listening, Pete. I am. Go on about the well. Nothing more to tell really. I shot it and nothing happened. I pumped a couple more rounds into it. To put it out of it's misery. No water,huh? It's a Catch 22. Ever hear of that? No. It's a movie. Alan Arkin. The premise being, to get out of the armed forces, ya gotta run missions, but the missions never run out. Here's a better example. A person needs a job to buy a car. A job requires a car.. Hence Catch 22. To make a well work, it needs water. Thats when I remembered something my dad did when I was little. He bought several lengths of garden hose. Hooked them to a submersible pump. Dropped it into the small pond next to the poison ivy patch. Plugged-in. Bada Boom. So I cloned the idea and after several fill ups and run outs, no problems mate. Too many people take water for granted. Like it grows on trees or something.

I once worked at a newly remodeled center hall by a former Austrian princess , reason being her entire line of evening gowns were stolen, estimated at a million dollars, She some how convinced one of New York city's most eligible bachelors that the interior of this 19th century week end farm house, should be that of an Austrian hunting lodge. I wonder if she hummed the theme song from Sound of Music in his ear to get him to do it. I also wondered if she wore her tiara to bed at night. The owner was a young yuppie broker on the corporate ladder. His grandfather was very successful. A San Francisco banker who had made a plaque out of all the whore house , cat house, hen house and bordello tokens collected from his round the world travels as a young man. Must of been the, buy one nookie, get one free years. That impressed me. The weekend guest was a Price is Right showcase model, the daughter of Senator somebody. War paint and high heels are the only luggage she ever carried. You know the type. No, those girls seldom make it to heavens gate. Sorry to hear that. Anyway, that early October a monster snow storm dumped 20 to 30 inches on Old New England. Trees snapped, branches cracked. limbs popped. The Rice Krispies were out of the box, Sounded like machine guns thundering. It was war time. Power lines spaghetti'd everywhere. It was a week before a electric light was visible. A week, staring at the heads of dead animals on the walls. A week without a single note of music. Seven days without work. Seven days of quite. Seven days of taking a dump in all five toilets by three beautiful people who's poop shouldn't possible stink. I'm envious of all the memory's that must of waifed up out of those old wooden floor planks. Thanks to snow. I can hear the old horse hair plastered house taking a deep breath. A heaving sigh. Thank you snow. Isn't snow Wonderful. Waifing, unflushed, white.

Did one of those people take a pot or a pan or a bucket or a spoon or a Life magazine and try to scoop snow into the warm confines of the house ? Nope. Where their brains in sink with the melting candles that were burning. Did they forget snow melts into water. Even with the bathroom doors tightly closed, it must have smelled like an old outhouse that had seen 10,000 asses come and go. Did they think the ONLY way to flush a toilet was with the handle ? Needless to say the beautiful people bitched about their new perfume. They got mad at their neighbors for not shoveling THEM out. They got mad at the Town for not plowing THEM out. They got mad at the electric company for stranding THEM without power. They got mad at the phone company for not providing a service to their cellphones for THEM. Me ? I had water. Lots of it. I had power. Ooodles of it. How you ask ? I had something THEM didn't. GEN-ER-A-TOR. I came up with a new word for THEM. ready ? Simply combined city with idiot. CITIOTS... snow is water !

Of coarse right after the snow, people scrambled to put up Christmas decorations. I swear if it snowed in July they'd do it then to. HALF OFF 4TH OF JULY CHRISTMAS SALE. Put a 4 sale sign on anything in a store and my wife would try and buy it. You cant risk it never being on sale again. True ? Yes. The day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. The great, great, great grandmother of all sales day? She loved it. She lived for it. For 24 hrs. she was a tank. A lioness prowling, pawing, running ahead of the pack to feed her young. I stayed clear. I knew better. I'd had huge holes chewed into my wallet at times like those for standing to close. She could bring down a fully grown salesman to his knees faster than poop on a pump handle. Rip out his heart and then squeeze it till the price was so far below cost a manager would die. Wow. Wow is about right. The hysteria, tears, story, lack of tissue, begging, pleading, sympathy card, were all in the deck. If you witnessed this production of " Little Shop Around The Corner " you'd say to yourself, " poor women ", and hand her ten bucks for the performance. I once saw three store clerks carry the bundles of joy to the car and load it for her. Neil Simon couldn't write a better play. That was her God given talent. That and the fact she only had to hear a song once to know the melody and lyrics by heart. You'll ask about that. Know I'm right .

The ghetto years made black Friday less fun. We simply couldn't do it. I took out a loan to cover the bills for 6 months. It dis-appeared in only 3 weeks. Every week for a year I'd spent one dollar on Lotto. The same numbers each week. The day I got the loan check was Lotto day. The check felt good in my pocket. I daydreamed it way . Spent it like a millionaire. So good I forgot it was Lotto day. Noon news the following day I saw the numbers. I stared at the television with critical essays of disbelief in my eyes. While life has me by the short hairs, some one else is spending my daydreams. It was hard to get over, you bet. So I moved Lotto day. Squeezed it in between Saturday and Sunday . That way I could just sleep through it. Good move? Thanks .

So we were going to pretend to do Black Friday that year. To do that we had to get Amy's Christmas list. Bless her heart. All she wanted was for grandma to come for Thanksgiving dinner. We hadn't talked to grandma for three years. We were hoping for another three. But you call her and you invite her. If she says Ok, then Ok. She did and she did. She even offered to drop off a turkey and she did.

My wife is a marvelous cook. I mean a real chief. No turkey was ever cooked the same way twice. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, Italian, French, Mexican, don't get in her way ! Not that you could . The whole kitchen was covered in cook books top to bottom. Pies had to be pre-ordered and made prior to feastival. Mine is banana cream. My favorite is carrot cake with cream cheese butter frosting. But its a birthday treat. Days before turkey day, the house smelled delicious. Apricot rings, cranberry and banana bread, mince meat , molasses, apples, blueberry's, cherry's, lemons, oranges, tangerines, limes, walnuts, cashews, peanuts, chocolate, flour, sugar, spices, and rolls, all danced in my head. For some unknown reason, we never had plumes. I never tasted plume pudding. , have you ? I can't remember. I should. Well it was my job to prep.. peel stuff. I liked my job cause I was good at it and practice makes perfect. My job started at sunup on turkey day." Peel the onions, peel the squash, peel the peppers on the tray, peel the carrots and the taters, do it right away. and once you've peeled the radishes, zucchinis and the beets, clean the counter throughly, then you can go and play." I would sing that as I worked. Has a nice jingle to it. Its catchy. Ever get a jingle or just part of a song in you head that wouldn't go away, sometimes for a whole day ? Sometimes.

A turkey takes all mourning to cook. Along with casseroles, yams and stuffing. I retire to the living room. about the time the oven is being pre heated. I holler out the heads up when a particularly good marching band or float comes by in a parade. I'd also take charge of the fireplace and cocktail duties. Again, its not wise to be to close to the lioness as she prepares a carcass for the young and old. The grandmother was in the kitchen. Making sure each and every move her cub had been taught was preformed according to the Betty Crocker guide lines. Things were moving along smoothly I thought. Amy had set the table for the four of us. The animals were outside and feed. The beds were made. We had all showered and brushed our teeth. Grandma had a drink in her hands and was all smiles. Burl and Ives could have made a post card. Pre-game football was about to start. I compare my wife to a small red-headed German Sherman tank, lovingly. THEM would have called her big boned. The hours of cooking said meal had put a strain on her ankles. The bird was out of the oven. She sat down for the first time that mourning on the couch next to me. Swung her legs onto my lap. Message' is also part of my resume'. Some would say I have the healing hands. Grandma inspects the golden trophy but is curious why the juices aren't being whipped into gravy. Grandma is unconcerned that the patient is under going deep mes-sage' therapy. Grandma is certain that should the juices cool, the gravy will not be makable. The patient is now in a trance under my control . She reassures her mother of her professionalism and when the aching subsides, all will be well and resumed. We turned to peer out the living room window because grandma's car was backing out the drive way. Amy ? AMY ! Amy where's grandma ? She put on her hat and coat, took the turkey and left. ......Swear to God Pete the honest truth. Every year I'd tell that story to all my friends. They'd say unbelievable and laugh. Why do you suppose she did that ? I don't know. Maybe she had a plane to catch. Maybe she left the gas on at home. Maybe she thought of the homeless and all they had was soup at the church. Maybe her friends got together and said " who can we get to cook us a turkey this year." Maybe she didn't want to use up the gas in her stove. I do know we laughed so hard dinner was delayed. I got stomach scars from the laughter that day. I still have a back muscle that haunts me.

I have the feeling we wanted to cry about not having a traditional meal with a turkey. Just couldn't, to confused. Like the girl with the nun story. We couldn't get it out of our heads. So we laughed. That might be the exception to Mr. Twains beginning. Shall I ask him ? Who will watch the gate ? You. I' rather come along , Twain was one of my favorite writers. Besides I'm no saint. I won't be long. What if someone comes along ? Tell them what you told me. What if God shows up and sees your not here? He won't. Think Mark might come back with you ? I'm sure he'd like to meet you. I had some pets to. Pepper, Toby, Remington. Are they here too ? Of course. They are on their way now. My grandparents to ? Yup . Alright I'll wait here. Mind you they won't be able to stay long. Why ? Because you're in limbo and heaven's on the other side. Got ya. Be back in a sec. Ok......................xylophone, Shaker box, bread box, mittens, microwave, enter code, eternity.......